"Bartender's Scar"

Coyotes look to an industrial sky
While poets pine
Conceptualize the pioneer days
Ministers walk the invisible line
Tell me one more thing God did for mankind

Opposite the trail mix
Staling on the bar
I catch a glimpse of the bartender's scar
Beneath his high collar
"That's just proof that I exist,
In one way or another"
She smothers him into believing
That he can't live without her
She can't live without him,
So, I don't doubt her

Art is the story
So tried and true
Whose dues have been paid
But never proved
Blues hold the rhythm
The secret code of life
Whose knife shoved so deep in your back
It's a struggle just to survive

I am gagged and blindfolded
Perfected and molded to be
A perfect ideal of humanity
I have left so many places
I can't even count all the lives
I've lived as an attempt
To feel alive

Man does strive for perfection
I hold this one truth true
But not as close to my heart as God
As you
Who were you before you crossed the river?
Who were you in dawns deepest blues?
Who were you when the old man poured his heart out
Just after his poor old heart broke in two?

Should the island shudder
Plunge itself back into the sea
Should the ape man de-evolve
Turn the wheels of human history
Should the sun burn out
Leave nothing but complacency
Pieces of who we used to be
Nothing but pieces of who we used to be

"Mud and Sand"

I woke to
The horizon blue
Basking gently on Sunday morning
Where I saw
Your perfect flaws
Now and again
I understand
Nature's truth
And law

With every page who unfolds
I reach to unfold another
Let me plunder
In my wondering
Let me wander
Aimlessly
I want your love to envelope me
Open my eyes so I can see
What in this illusion
I have been missing

I am kissing toes
And finger tips
My lips are chapped with soars
Happenstance is coincidence
Rich men can be poor
Even lonely men
Adore from afar
Leave the door ajar
And I am sure to venture in
I am learning to transcend
My friend
See the means to the end
See yourself for who you are
And love you not despite
But instead
Because I understand
Via sea and land my lover
Via mud and sand

"Great Fuehrers"

I'm too proud
Never realized
Until now
I didn't walk away to save you
Walked to save face
To abandon faith
With which comes responsibility
Told myself
I can't change,
So change this
Couldn't change because
I refused to look in the mirror
Was scared shitless of
Being heartless or worse
Heart hurt
I've worked too hard to get here
Watch the smoke float
Into a leery sky
There is no way to deny
That love is never enough
It is just something
That gets you through the tough stuff
And makes the nirvana seem endless
I flounder in indecision
Should I surrender to the darkness or the light?
Bear in mind
It is easier to destroy the light inside yourself
Than to defeat the darkness all around you
I wonder if I haven't found it
Then abandoned the truth
Without intending to
One glance and she changes her form
Changes from bitterness to scorn
In perseverance I am helpless
To what comes unto my soul
This foul smell will not leave me
Instead of deceit I try realism
Realistically it is not as affective
As in theory
I am not worried
So many great fuehrers were great
In theory

"Cross the River Pt. 2"

I was a different person after I crossed the river
They warned me not to, but I crossed it anyway
I lost myself that day and have been searching for her ever since
Only to find that she is gone

"Rite of Passage"

When I was a younger woman I made a promise to myself
To be good and to appreciate life and how it felt
With time I became a less conscious being
Forgot to pay attention to each moment in passing
Addressed the hard shit with passive aggression, while laughing
Could not hide the fact that I wasn't as brave as I'd hoped to be
So I perfected my poker face 'till I believed I had cards to play
Reveled in the bad shit to seem okay
Talked about magick, about God and his mysterious ways
Talked with logic 'till there was nothing logical left to say
'Till there was nothing logical left to say

This slow decent into psychosis has my mind playing tricks on me
Never sure if what is in front of me is a front or reality
If what I heard were sound waves or unwarranted interpretation
Not to mention environment cues sending me into a steep spiral case
Of recollection and déjà vu of another place
Was it memory or a dream?
Its hard to say

There has to be another way to go about this
Has to be something I missed
Must be a soft kiss in this fist fight
Have to find a way to escape the wrong and seek the right
Hell is rite of passage is what I say
But hey, what did I say?

I am looking to escape the warm heat that envelopes me
This satin sheet that comforts me
I am seeking shelter against the wind
While turning myself out again and again
I reckon there must be secret meaning hidden in this pattern
But then, that's not what she said

Narrowly dodged the draft
Mapped the path till my prints soiled the page
Abandoned my destiny with outrage only because
I wasn't willing to attempt the maze
Hope to look back on these days
And minimalize farther yet
Till there is nothing left to say
And I manage to forget

"Cross the River"

Was a different person after I crossed the river
The scenery was the same but the colors had changed
Felt a different person once shaken from the water
Awake a father and a mother at the same time
What happened there, lying among the rocks
I can never describe to you
It was beyond what language can provide
Can best be described as a slide show of vivid imagery
First one and then the other shown its face to me
Lying on the bank I was faced with complacency
I was a different person after I crossed the river

"Kryptonite"

Factory wheel turns
Lunch yearns to inch closer
The closer was what you chose to remember
Can't remember where the story began
Or when it will decide to end
Its all a matter of perspective
Unfortunately history is a matter of recollection

Some punk-ass told you to kiss his feet and wallow in misery
He fronted you a future then took it away because you had dues you couldn't pay
From a distance it looked like kryptonite lit the sky
Of course, from a distance it looks like I might
From a distance anything might
Does that make it right?

Took the moving truck as a sign
Couldn't help but skip ahead
Help me help you
There are worse things than being dead
You gotta come down someday
I fear that day

She dreamt of moving forward
Though her steps seemed to trail behind
She is looking to the future
For peace of mind
I am looking to her for peace of mind
I was left with this overwhelming fear
That the taste lingering in my mouth
Is something that was never mine
Never mind
I am stuck in high gear when she sees me
And she says

I dreamt of moving forward
But my steps only trailed behind
Hanging on to the moments
Trying to find a better grip
Moved my hand
Only to find myself slip

And I slip away; lose myself to the lights in the distance

ft. Austin Kindle

"Minimalize"

Stretch the canvas
So you can sew your deed
Grit your teeth so you can prove
You don't feel anything
Express this pain in your knees
It is this feeling you need to remember
It is you and you alone who doth
Destroy the world's beauty
Never mind what your heart meant
Never mind what your eyes tried to plead
That is not what got across, my enemy
My own tongue has forsaken me
You turn God into the Devil
Because that is the only thing you know how to do
I have been judged most harshly
I cannot remember ever
Feeling so alone in my life
I cannot remember ever
Fighting so hard not to cry
Of course every low seems lower
Then I manage to laugh about it
Learned to minimalize my struggles
A long time ago

"Aurora Borealis"

Back packed the globe looking for the missing piece
Hung my hat in Soho, feasted with the king
Lost track of the trail in East Timor
Sacrificed a lamb to the score of war
Plead with the father of the Catholic Church
Bled my guts into the muddy dirt
Lost my third wife to the all-American bushfire
Brushed my hands free of guilt and shame
Dare not forget the curse of my name
I can't remember the Aurora Borealis as well as my mother can
But the colors do still linger on my hands
I quit the band because I couldn't face the music
Let the sand slip through my hand cause the commitment was way too much
Lost touch with myself somewhere in Berlin
Instead of reaching out I gave her my all-purpose grin
She believed me, so we toasted bottle to bottle of gin
I woke to the street, decided I'd best head to Munich
Wanted to see what all the fuss was about
There I let go of all reason and logic
Played dead in a dope house
"I am afraid," is what I said
Lied down to smell the late summer grass
Pushed this crass verbage far from my head
Joined the circus just to escape who I am
Realized who I've become
Remembered myself before I fell numb
See now that the times have changed
Have I changed with them?
Certainly not without reluctance
Despite my impression
I found myself seeking shelter, again and again
Found myself on all fours, cursing against the wind
Visited a dwelling where my ancestors once lived
Their demons dining on my sickness
Or maybe it was just my intuition
Leaving gold dust where my feet had been
I blessed this piece of silver
Now covered with rust and grim
Has experienced so much life in such a short period of time
Dancing on the edge of real and real's phantoms
Right now I am sorely happy
In this moment I do not wish to not exist

"Bend Backwards"

You can't change the weather
Or strangle the sorrow from a dying cow
Try as you might
You can't chase the darkness from the night

You can't see me
Or my dying dreams
Promises I made with intentions to keep
I've learned to live with letting go
I don't mind dying with nothing to show

I promised Henry a kingdom in the sky
Promised Lucille a shining knight
Promised myself a person I can look in the face
Promised my mama a diamond ring
Promised the home town boys a piece of the action
Instead here's a fraction of who I said I am
A large portion of idealism
I'm learning to write with my left hand
And bend my tongue backwards to talk
All to see how the other side walks

I feel hopeless and strung out
Though I haven't touched that stuff in a while
A pedophile with a limp dick
A geisha in denial
Filed for the information
They ain't got back to me yet
Guess I'm left with my wits
And an educated guess
My old bag of tricks
Truthfully I'm tired of it
I want the fairy tale I created in my head
I want that little girl
Hopeful and stupid

Any movement is positive
What don't kill you makes you stronger
Picked up my scimitar from the iron monger

Be objective
Be objective
Be objective

This sheath fits nicely

"Lonely Sanctuary"

Rejection makes me feel alive
It is I and I alone who rejects paradise
But why?

"Dirt"

Disassociate to make sense
Pay attention to the difference
Jumble the feeling from heart to mind
Find the answer hopefully
I feel sick to my stomach and water tread
A necrophiliac waiting for the dead to dawn
The Caucus Islands is where it originated
This downward spiral into obvious then oblivious sacrifice
Close your eyes
They say it is all alright
I am waiting for this pounding feeling to let me rest
Rest my head in the dirt
In the dirt
In the dirt
In the blood stained dirt

Fuck you and your morals
You stupid girl
You will pay in the end
Everything you love will fall from you
You will have nothing
Like you deserve

I hate the honest part
The honest part is bare bones
Bare back that hurts the most
You know, this feeling is eternal
I am familiar with it

Know thyself
Know thyself
Hate thyself
Hate thyself
Fuck yourself
Fuck yourself

Skew your perfect image
It is what you do best
Feel this chill
And accept it

"City of Awareness"

Katie traveled sixteen-hundred miles
To escape the city of awareness
She shed her instant gratification
In all fairness she left her metaphor
Not because she didn't love him anymore
But because his pleasure had turned to lust
A gust of wind chilled her skin
And she realized she had, had enough

So she paid the fair
So she hopped the bus

With every passing mile
Tore a gash in her chest
Every tear she shed was for the better
Was for the best
But still she couldn't help but remember
The love she'd put to rest
The tangible bit of happiness
In the bureau behind the cellar door
The key made for just one lock
Underneath the marked floor board
And should the paint wear off
Her bobby pins are prepared
But you know the answer isn't in there, hunny
The answer is in your head

Katie likes to watch the snow fall
As a monument to obvious change
Katie writes about her down fall
To document her pain
Katie likes for me to hold her
Takes weary comfort in knowing
That nothing will ever be the same

"Swan Song"

I've been living in the past all my life
Then looking to the future for the will to survive
Never paying mind to what lies before me
Only stopping to find a way to get by
Sometimes getting mesmerized by the view at this latitude
Savoring my swan song
Just before I break down and cry

"Franco"

Sanctuary in the dark loom
Found solitude in a crowded room
Sang my verse for all the world to see
Seek the words to set me free
Ode to those who long to believe

Franco was the master of disguises
Learned to mask what he was hiding
Was a student to the art of lying
Was constantly crying behind closed doors
Was flabbergasted when blinded
Shunned with silence
Franco felt his heart bleed
As he watched Penny turn her cheek

Underneath the porch swing
Is a trick sleeve
Where I put my most sentimental memories
Soaked in mold and bee stings
Guarded by prickly things
She who is brave will face me

She tells me the story of her downfall
Examining the creases in my face
Looking for the practitioners magick
Sad to say I don't have any of that
I am just studying your silhouette
Looking for what the light dims
The closest thing to real as your next of kin
I have long feared the repercussions of my sins
Would shine sun through my grin
Divulge blackness

She is scanning the radio
Looking for the perfect song
To match the outline of the heart in her chest to the rest
All that shit your art leaves out
I realized catharticism is just a flight plan
Do your best to describe what you can
Settle on the color scheme in your pan

Franco pulled his gun
Shot Penny in the back
Smelled the arsenic
Had no desire to go back

"Abigail"

Abigail forced her head to lift
Felt the grass shift beneath her weight
Waited before opening her eyes
First wiped the mud from her lip
The blood from her nose
Felt the water run cold
Pressure from the hose
She screamed in agony
As they laughed with joy
The soar of her cunt
"My body is just a toy," she thought
Recalled what her Mama said
Deserved what she got

The boy from downstairs
Stared at her when she was walking the block
His loose grin and lazy eyes
Rubbing his hard cock
From the window she heard him holler
"Come up here girl and give me something"
And she'd laugh like she was taught
Just barely oblivious enough to not get caught in the act of deception
"You don't know what you're missing," she'd say
I don't know what I've lost

The wet between my legs
The hole between my hips
A gaping emptiness
Just waiting to be filled
Mama said it was my will to please a man
Every John Doe who strolled into town
Mama said my pussy was something to be proud of
I believed her until now

"Mold on the Rye"

While it's true that we lose one-hundred and a few
Fine young men in the score of war
We must never forget
The ones who were tricked
And duped into believing a lie
The lives that were risked
After they hugged and kissed
Their loved ones and said goodbye
The dreams and the hopes
Who children let float
Then were crushed in the blink of an eye
The terror the saw
And the stench in their drawers
When Mommy never came home that night
The hearts that broke
The terror that woke
The night America was the mold on the rye
The catcher's mitt
Missed the hit
And Sally hung her head to cry

I remember the hate
That shown on his face
When my mother up and damned him to die
He showed her his teeth
Then he gave her a wink
And blessed her as the bullet flied

It was then and there
I gave him a sneer
And told him why Jesus cried
Cause of the blood and the tears
And the guts on the piers
Cause of the God made man
And the gold in his hand
And the animals he killed and fried

Daddy got on his knees
He looked at me without shame in his eye
He said, "Son,
It's the way of the gun
You gotta be tough or you die,
I ain't got the time
To teach you the rhyme
But you'll learn it soon enough"

I never had the guts
To call on his bluff
Cause he laughed with the jackal's high
On nights like these
When the moon shines at me
I remember my Mother
And why she died

"Blue Eyed Boy"

She is penciling her future
Her body heat beside me
Stroking those keys
She cannot fathom what she means to be
Simply because I will not let on what the eye can see
Or maybe its less complicated than that
Either way,
What more can I say?

Sent the row boat to sail across the ocean by its lonesome
It's mast teeter - tottering against the head wind
And as the sails ripped
The wood sprang from the ship
I watched as she sank
As the beautiful script tipped below the water line
That memory stayed with me
Frozen in time
After state, and state, and state line
You can't lose what you never did find

I turned my head to look sideways
My peripheral vision blurry and melodic
I let the wheel spin from my finger tips
Closed my eyes and let go

Five more miles down the rabbit hole
Burned twice without scarring
Ancient heartache whose note is infamous
The familiar road I tread with clenched teeth
This street is all too familiar to me
I am lost without logic
Have spoken but not heard
My words get lost in translation
I can't even hear what I'm saying

So I walked the curb
I have seen and heard enough already
My throat's tight
But my hands are steady
Looking back now
I wish I had not complied
It's hard to see the Devil in Jesus' eyes
I could cry at this point
But I'm too afraid to try
My chest a failure at linguistics
Need a lobbiest or something

Pray for the breaking point
When I lose all reason
The kind of folk song I depend on singing
An artistic crutch to hold me afloat
To free me of frustration
Enable me to gloat
Where my pupils dilate
And the sky turns black
Burning holes in my retina
Streaming tracers of white
Where the dots form a silhouette
Still clear in the night
The city lights guarding me from whatever it is I've done
I am so set on believing
That I am in fact the one
So easy to manipulate myself
Into believing what I long to be true
I am still a weak woman
Drinking Nyquil
Becoming docile to understand

I don't want to live like this
I can't bear this name
This all too obvious tattoo
Across my chest
Things will never be the same
I've seen and heard enough already
Stand steady facing this fevered pain
Where is bliss when I need her?
Where's the sweet summer rain?
This time don't expect anything
Don't plea for what is not yours
That is not what God destined you for

"Astute Stature"

Brown nosed dog grinned at me
Could see he was satisfied from the alley across the street
The sun set at noon yesterday
I had two hits of love, one of faith
The lord destined me
To shuffle my shoes down Avenue D
Where I found peace, and the key to heaven
I had a toke, and I had a smoke
I had a bump, and one more for the road
Then I crashed so hard
That the world shook beneath me

I am the Queen of England
I am the King of Spain
I am the rumble in the jungle
The lord's name in vain
I am the answer to your prayers
A good lay with ghetto-celebrity
And fame
I am the girl whose face you'll never forget
But can't bring yourself to remember my name

Outside the venture
Beneath the neon light
My scars are more visible
That I might like
The spots in my eyes
Hide the sun in the sky
The blood on my thighs
Disguise the heat in the grass
Try as I do
To be more raw
And less crass
I cannot find the answer
Locked away in the past

Not even my mother can protect me
From his rough hands,
The smell of his stash
Through a brown paper bag
The texture of money
Between my finger tips
This is beyond my power
Beyond the lies in my eyes
Beyond my astute stature
Beyond me
Now, isn't it?

"Mother Liberty"

My father fought in the Revolutionary War
He died for Mother Liberty
Everything she stood for
He held my brother's hand
Led him through the storm
I watched from the window
My mother's heart full of scorn

The hooks on the mantle stood empty
Spoke loud
Where the gun had once hung
When my hair was a shroud
An ornament, it was
Never powdered, covered with blood
My brother burst in
Did everything that he could

Mama fixed a drink
Hung her head to cry
Still, her hands were numb
Her throat tight, and dry

What I learned that day
Clinging to her thigh
The lobsters took my father
Locked him up to die
The noose they tied
I can't forget
The gun I found
Again, so ornate
Barrel poking from the dirt
Power still in case
My father died like Jesus
He had faith in the human race