"Rite of Passage"

When I was a younger woman I made a promise to myself
To be good and to appreciate life and how it felt
With time I became a less conscious being
Forgot to pay attention to each moment in passing
Addressed the hard shit with passive aggression, while laughing
Could not hide the fact that I wasn't as brave as I'd hoped to be
So I perfected my poker face 'till I believed I had cards to play
Reveled in the bad shit to seem okay
Talked about magick, about God and his mysterious ways
Talked with logic 'till there was nothing logical left to say
'Till there was nothing logical left to say

This slow decent into psychosis has my mind playing tricks on me
Never sure if what is in front of me is a front or reality
If what I heard were sound waves or unwarranted interpretation
Not to mention environment cues sending me into a steep spiral case
Of recollection and déjà vu of another place
Was it memory or a dream?
Its hard to say

There has to be another way to go about this
Has to be something I missed
Must be a soft kiss in this fist fight
Have to find a way to escape the wrong and seek the right
Hell is rite of passage is what I say
But hey, what did I say?

I am looking to escape the warm heat that envelopes me
This satin sheet that comforts me
I am seeking shelter against the wind
While turning myself out again and again
I reckon there must be secret meaning hidden in this pattern
But then, that's not what she said

Narrowly dodged the draft
Mapped the path till my prints soiled the page
Abandoned my destiny with outrage only because
I wasn't willing to attempt the maze
Hope to look back on these days
And minimalize farther yet
Till there is nothing left to say
And I manage to forget